Earlier in the week, Any Girl Friday and Exhibit Unadorned teamed up and did a ‘His and Hers’ takedown of a piece that appeared on the Metro website, courtesy of their blogger Hannah Gale. As I read the piece myself, I knew pretty damn quickly that I’d have plenty to say on the matter myself, so with the kind permission of Mister Unadorned, I’ve made my own version of this post.
Let me walk with you through this land of sex and body shaming nope, and give you my own take on these statements. In the article, Hannah lists 21 of the unsexiest things about sex. Hmm. Let’s see what she’s got.
1. The smell. That smell. You know the one. The indescribable combination of semen, lady juice and sweat. Nice.
Yeah, I know the one. It’s the scent of sex; musky, heady and a very potent reminder of what you got up to. And I bloody love it. I love catching a hint of it the next morning and thinking back of what happened. I love smelling it on my fingers, in the air… And why would you hate that scent? It’s you, plus your lover. Not the insides of a food recycling bin.
2. Removing socks. Hey, let me just try and hop around naked while I pull a sock printed with dinosaurs off my foot. Especially unsexy when your partner is trying to continue the foreplay by latching onto your nipple while you wrestle with your ankle.
Sit down on the bed and pull your socks off, maybe? Don’t leave your socks on until last? Ask your partner for a moment so you can remove your socks and then continue the foreplay? Keep your socks on, because it’s really not the end of the world if you keep your socks on, especially during a quickie? Also, why would you be embarrassed about having dinosaurs printed on your socks? It’s not like your partner is going to give a fuck considering you’re about to have sex.
3. Fanny farts.
Are just a thing that happens when there’s a build-up of air in the vagina. Seriously, it’s a thing that happens and it’s completely natural. Your body will make noises, fanny farts will happen and for God’s sake, let it happen because it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. This amount of shame that’s put into us about needing to be perfect during sex, and then wincing in terror if the slightest thing goes wrong is horrible. Again, your partner will not give a solitary fuck – and in the rare case that they do, they can fuck off, and you deserve someone better.
4. Or even worse, those real farts that slip out when you least suspect it.
Remember that really early Sex and the City episode where Carrie accidentally farts in bed with Mr. Big and spends the rest of the episode being so ridiculously embarrassed about it – not even willing to talk about it – that they actually end up arguing in the end? Yeah, that’s not the way to go about it.
Again, farts are things that happen. You can’t switch off your natural bodily functions just for the purpose of having sex. Laugh it off with your partner, and get on with what you were doing – don’t mentally beat yourself up about something as trivial as a fart.
5. Getting sex cramp in your leg. Feeling like someone may have slipped a dagger into your thigh and not knowing the best way to respond.
The words you’re looking for are: “Shit, I’ve got a cramp in my leg”. Right, sex cramp is not a fun thing, and believe me, it happens way more than I want to. But there’s a really easy solution – use your words and tell your partner, so you can maybe switch into a more comfortable position and give your legs a break. I personally love being on top and watching ILB’s face as I’m riding him, but I can’t be on top for long (osteo-arthritic knees and that) and it’s easily solved by just switching places.
6. Getting semen in your eye. Or in your hair. Or anywhere that isn’t your private parts. How long are you supposed to wait until you start the thorough clean-up process?
What d’you mean, thorough clean-up process? It’s not like you need a HAZMAT decontamination shower afterwards; just keep some wet wipes by the bed. How grossed out are you by cum that you’re getting so antsy about it being anywhere that isn’t your pussy?
If you do get semen in your eye, say so and ask your partner to stop so he can help you clean out your eye. If you let it sit and don’t say a word, it’s going to sting like a hundred wasps in summer.
7. Also, swallowing semen and trying to pretend that it tastes like a peanut butter milkshake rather than, well, a slimy, salty bogey.
You don’t have to swallow, you know. There’s no law against not swallowing – you don’t owe him a swallowing. And if you do swallow, there’s also no need to pretend it’s a peanut butter milkshake – cum doesn’t taste that awful.
8. Your underwear. Because however much you try and plan it, you’ll always get laid when you’re wearing the greying pants with a hole in the back. You should really throw those bad boys out.
9. The awkward ‘oh… you’re bleeding’. It’s never actual blood though, just that brown-coloured discharge *shudders*.
Bodily functions, again. It’s usually pre-menstrual discharge and it’s another thing that just happens sometimes. By the way, I could write an entire post about sex on your period, which I will do another time. I’m sure you’re already dead excited.
10. The crab shuffle off the bed, and the race against time to make it to the toilet without leaving a stream of semen in your wake.
Fonzie be praised!
But seriously, this is just inventing problems – you’re not going to leave a huge and obvious trail in your wake unless you’re also spreading round breadcrumbs and by some divine incident they happen to spell out I’VE JUST BEEN FUCKED.
So, no, really. Keep tissues and wet wipes by the bed, as I said.
11. But failing, and having a nice trickle of the white stuff down your leg.
Okay. Cum does not look like correction fluid. It’s also not corrosive and will not burn off your thigh on contact. Cum is cum. It’s a bodily fluid that wipes off with a tissue or a wet wipe. Christ on a bike…
12. Trying to talk dirty. What words are you supposed to use? ‘I want you to stick your willy in my pussy’ *is sick all over self*
Take it from someone who’s written a fair few erotic short stories: avoid the word willy for starters.
You know what, I think EA said it better than I could have said in his take, so I’mma just copy what he said because it’s truth.
…Dirty talk works when you’re relaxed about sex, and when you see it as something joyful and uplifting. We all have particular words, phrases and images that don’t do it for us, so dirty talk with a new partner can be a bit hit-and-miss, but it’s not hard to iron out those initial creases, and turn it into something that has one or both of you clawing at the walls with lust. And of course it doesn’t have to take place while you’re actually in bed with someone: often, the best dirty talk happens hours or days beforehand, on the phone, or over email, or whispered into your partner’s ear in a crowded bar…
13. Trying to strip, while sober and in silence. Oh, you don’t get an erection from me battling with my jumpsuit?
Put on music. Tell your partner what you’re going to do with him once you’re both naked. Strip each other off. Touch each other while doing so. Seriously, plenty of ways you can go about. Also, if you need to be tippled to strip off for sex, then that does not bode well – you might not be able to get properly aroused from the alcohol in your system.
14. Orgasm faces. They’re probably quite similar to the face of someone who’s just been shot. Probably.
Okay, I’m going to pretend those last two sentences aren’t there. But seriously, there’s an entire website dedicated to just how gorgeous, silly and wonderful people look when they orgasm. Regulars on this blog will know how much I love watching ILB’s facial expressions as he’s jerking himself off. You can’t keep a straight face during orgasms because the feeling is that intense.
15. Pubes. They’re scratchy and wirey. They get in your mouth. They need grooming. They’re just a sex hazard aren’t they?
They don’t need grooming. They’re as much of a sex hazard as a cat strolling into your room during. Getting a pube in your mouth is par for the course, and it’s not gonna kill you. Just pull away briefly and get said pube out of the mouth and then continue.
16. The sweat. The sweat that makes your perfectly placed fringe stick to your forehead like a greasy pre-teen, and your make-up melt down your face until you look like a serial killer. Cute.
Strenuous physical activity makes you sweat. You can’t not have sex without sweating. Also, you’re not going to always have a perfectly placed fringe, or killer make-up game going on when sex happens. That’s the thing about sex – it tends to happen. A fringe can be combed back into place and make-up can be reapplied.
17. Dryness. Trying to approach foreplay with the excitement levels of the Sahara Desert. It sorta hurts.
First of all, that’s why foreplay is there: to get you wet and aroused enough for penetration. Second, and I can’t stress this enough, use lube. You are never too wet.
18. Doggy style. Just, doggy style. What horrible person invented this?
Probably a person who was having sex cramp in another position and decided to be inventive. Seriously, there’s no law forcing you do enjoy doggy style. Different strokes for different folks.
19. The crippling jaw ache that comes with too much blowing. Imagine if you put that much energy into the gym, eh?
And this is why you also use your hand – if you’re just bobbing up and down his cock with your mouth and no hands, you are guaranteed to get jaw ache. Mix it up, and switch to just your hand jerking him off if you’re feeling the ache.
20. Willies and vaginas in general. No, really, think about this one. Are they not just the ugliest things on your entire body? Why couldn’t they just look more like your arm or something?
What? I mean, what kind of body-negative bullshit is this statement right here? I assure you, Hannah, I have “really thought about this one” and I’ve come to the conclusion that I fucking love my vulva and my vagina, and I think cocks are fucking beautiful, both erect and flaccid. There are more than enough people out there who have issues with their own genitals and their own bodies to the point of BDD, and these kind of shitty statements do nothing to improve on that.
Also, I don’t know if this is an editorial correction, but if it’s not, then what the fuck is your problem with the word penis?
21. And finally, rolling into a wet patch you had no idea was still there.
Embrace the wet patch, because it’s there for a good reason, and you don’t need to be embarrassed about it. Bodily fluids, again.
As an addition, I just want to address the opening statement made in the article – Romcoms would have you believe that sex is all cuddles and crisp white bed sheets and intimate climaxes over and over again as you make sweet passionate love from dusk til dawn. It isn’t. –
In that case, I’d really like to know what kind of romcoms you’re watching, because I’m pretty sure most of them tend to cut away before the intimate climaxes, over and over again. If you’re going on the assumption that sex is exactly like in romcoms, then you’re definitely going to be in for a surprise when you’re having actual sex. Sex is messy. Sex is not pretty. Sex, as Hungry Joe once said on his blog, is stupid. To quote him –
Because, when you think about it, when sex is done well, it’s because it’s done stupid. Sex is best when inhibitions are shed, when you do things you would never normally do, say things you would never normally say, pull faces like you’re walking over hot coals and try harder than usual not to break wind.
These moments of sudden lucidity during sex are like drinking yourself sober. You drink and you drink and suddenly you realise that you’re drunk and acting like a tit. You have sex and have sex, and suddenly you realise you’re having sex and acting like a tit.
And the best part is, in both cases, you don’t care. You just smile and carry on.
Sex is not Hollywood, white satin sheets, cuddles and intimate climaxes. Sex is when the mood takes you, sex is everywhere that’s not the bed (and including the bed as well). Sex is loud, wet, sweaty, delirious climaxes, and sex is leaving wet spots on the bed but not giving a shit because you’ve just had sex that was so intense, you’ve left a wet spot. Sex is weirdly awesome and awesomely weird. And that’s why I like it, and that’s why I write about it.