How to tell if your cat wants to sabotage your sex life

Grammar Cat is back.
In yer bedroom, skulkin’…

Cats are utterly fascinating creatures. The internet is completely aware of this fact, dedicating as it does a large amount of its space to telling us just how utterly fascinating cats are (they are what the internet is made of, after all). We like cats because (apart from them being seriously cute as hell) we have no idea what they’re thinking at any point during their day. We are as mystified by them as they are by us, and because neither species are capable of telepathy, we just end up misinterpreting their signals.

And vice versa, of course. Cats are mystified by humans, mainly because they seem to be under the impression that humans are just oversized cats who got it wrong. And in the past couple of months, I have come to believe that the thing cats are most mystified about is sex. They don’t understand how or why humans do it, they’re probably worried about us doing it and they have taken it upon themselves (with our own cat seemingly leading the pack) to convince us that having sex really isn’t a thing we should be doing.

If you’re worried that your cat (or cats) may be trying to sabotage your sex life, here are some of the signs and behaviours to look out for.

  1. ¬†Your cat’s appetite suddenly and inexplicably develops a remarkable sense of timing. This results in your cat feeling the need to soundtrack the naked kissing and cuddling you so desperately needed with a concerto of very terse meows from behind the safety of the closed door. Your cat knows that to shut it up, you have no other choice but to pause what you’re doing and tend to its needs. If you do not immediately do this, your cat will meow even louder because it is now judging you.
  2. Having succeeded in its quest to get you to feel sorry for it and open the door, your cat most likely will attempt to take its sabotage one step further – actually walking into the room. If it pleases the cat, he or she will now jump on the nearest available surface for fussing over purposes (it will no doubt be your bed). Only in very rare cases will your cat actually want food.
  3. If not immediately fussed over, your cat will punish you and start headbutting your hand as a hint. Beware younger cats – they tend to be a bit more vocal about how much they not want you to have sex by means of running around, causing general distraction and destruction and biting (scratching, colliding with) any available surface. This includes the bits of you that are exposed. Beware any bits that are also nude (but you already knew that, didn’t you?)
  4. As the fussing continues, you will start losing interest in your previous carnal activities. This is because your cat, although not capable of telepathy, is capable of cuddle-epathy – a special kind of mind power that enables cats to blind you with just how gosh darn cute they are so that you immediately forget anything you were doing up until that point. If all goes according to plan, you will abandon any plans of sex for the evening and spend it instead marvelling at the mystery that is your cat. Your cat has now accomplished its mission.

You must also be on the look-out for any of the following signs:

  • Your cat interrupting your steamy kissing session by jumping onto your lap and demanding attention.
  • Your cat interrupting your steamy kissing session by doing a little runaround around your feet in a quite frankly brazen attempt to trip you up somehow.
  • Any other instance of your cat jumping on you or skulking near you to interrupt kissing or heavy petting.
  • Your cat trying to distract you away from heavy kissing, petting or even a bit of under the clothing fumbling by doing something incredibly dangerous, like deciding the open dishwasher is a nice place to play in the vicinity of.
  • And finally, probably the ultimate desperate attempt to lead you away from anything sex-related: presenting you with what used to be a small animal and is now a “present” for you and as their human you should be damn grateful for it.

These are just some signs, of course. And it proves again that cats are utterly fascinating. We as humans wouldn’t dream of interrupting a bit of cat pashing with… well, maybe we do because from the sounds of it that can get pretty blimmin’ noisy. Ah well, maybe we deserve it.

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5 Comments

  1. This I is just so true. Our cat (well, hubby’s cat really) is very protective of him and has even been known to attack me if I do anything, eg give him a blow-job, that causes him to moan.

    Katie xx

  2. This is just so true. Our cat (well, hubby’s cat really) is very protective of him and has even been known to attack me if I do anything, eg give him a blow-job, that causes him to moan.

    Katie xx

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