It is a universally known fact that secondary school lads can be dirty feckers. I know this from experience, considering I was one of exactly two girls in my secondary school for the longest time, and all my mates were said dirty feckers. It didn’t quite top Inbetweeners level, considering were in a boarding school (with me being one of two girls there, as I mentioned), so there wasn’t a lot of space and time to go out on the piss during the week. But by God, it came close.
Despite being a bunch of dirty feckers, I adored hanging out with those boys. Mainly because they were my gateway into the magical world of hardcore porn.
I’d had my moments of curiosity towards hardcore porn before – this is, after all, me we’re talking about – but I properly became fascinated by watching other people be fascinated by it. This was back when masturbation wasn‘t something I really felt like doing, as (and I quote) I didn’t feel like I needed it (there will most likely be a post about this tidbit soon). I was quite content huddled up in the dark of the living room, watching whatever late night television would throw at me in the way of softcore or sex ed magazines. The tingly, tight clench in my vagina and other netherbits was an added plus.
What I’m trying to say by that is that this was back when I was curious about sex, but had not yet found the anger about how lacking my sex-ed was to go out and look for answers myself. But I was curious about sex, yes. And for that matter, so were my dirty friends.
They had no qualms about masturbation – or talking about anything sex related, even. They also had no qualms about talking about just how freaky the porn they encountered got.
But I do remember the one time where it got a bit too freaky for our combined comforts…
Do you recall that episode of FRIENDS where the gang discover a porno flick with (ostensibly – it turns out to be her twin sister) Phoebe as the lead actress? And the awkwardness that followed seeing someone you know personally on screen, fucking away? Now, imagine it not being someone we knew personally. But someone who looked quite a lot like someone we knew…
There were five of us, me included, huddled around my friend PH’s desktop computer in his bedroom. Playing on screen was a movie called Busty Nurses, which served you pretty much exactly what it said on the tin, really. PH was flicking through the various scenes when suddenly, Sunshine (other friend) piped up, pointing at the man on screen currently rutting away with one of the busty nurses.
SUNSHINE: Hang on a minute. Who does this guy remind me of?
We all leaned in to take a closer look.
MAN ON SCREEN: “UGH. UGH. ARGH. GET ON THE TOP OF ME!”
The five of us collectively did a double take. In that exact moment, we knew. Mr. Top looked pretty much exactly like one of the members of the mentor staff at the residence halls. From that moment onwards, the Mr. Top Meme was born. The Mr. Top Meme was a simple concept: the mentor in question was now no longer referred to by his name when it was just us talking amongst each other. He was now (and would be for ever and ever) referred to as follows:
(example) “Hey! Is *sidelong glance* *orgasm face* *grunt* ‘UGH. UGH. ARGH. GET ON THE TOP OF ME!’ around anywhere?”
I sometimes do miss those lads. Looking back on it, I can but admire how shameless they were.