We were in the basement of my mum’s apartment building. I’d had the idea of going down there to unearth what was left of my books and see if I could sell them to a secondhand bookshop I knew. As my mum’s friend and I tried to figure out which boxes actually had something in it (as there were quite a few empty boxes meant to be used as storage at some point) I happened to move one of the boxes aside and uncovered something that flashed me back far into the past with a little grin.
You know those moments when you’re doing some kind of major tidying – like, right before a house move – and you start unearthing stuff that you completely forgot you owned? Along with lost socks, important cables which have been gathering dust under your bed and that one magazine you bought on an impulse and forgot to read or something… there it is. That thing which has since moved to the back of your mind; waiting both in a box in your basement and in the realms of memory until you come across the physical item one day and have the memory rush back to the front.
I had moved one box aside to find another: it was the box which had once contained my very first sex toy.
There is a long story attached to this toy, and for that matter, the one that came after it. It’s a story which relates very much to my recent experiences with SSRIs, sex and depression. This toy came into my life not long after I started masturbating. Discovering masturbation (something I talked about in this guest post for Girl On The Net) was like discovering the mystical realm of sexy softcore porn I’d been cruising in also came with a bonus unicorn to ride whenever I wished. I wasn’t yet contemplating sex toys, as I wanted to work my way up to that point. But that point seemed to come quicker – not naturally, mind. I forced the point to come because a couple of months after I discovered my unicorn, it flew the fuck away. It had taken me a while to get to the point where I could orgasm, a point which I was happy to have achieved. So when I not only seemed to lose the ability to orgasm but the ability to feel any kind of sensation in my clit that wasn’t my fingers touching it, I tried my best to rationalise it – maybe a toy would help? Maybe this was just a blip?
The toy in question was part of one of those gift boxes (the ones that contain stuff like a few magazine subscriptions around a similar niche, or tickets for a couple of attractions), this one firmly aimed at couples looking for a bit of a saucy time. I’d seen this gift box at, and I kid you not, a CD and DVD shop in town. My first toy did not come from a sex toy shop. It came from the same shop where I spent hours in agony over whether I fancied series one of Rome or series seven of McLeod’s Daughters. I had, in an onset of embarrassment, sent my luckily very supportive mother to pick up this box for me, a box which also included lubricant, massage oil, a tickle feather and some kind of positions manual.
The toy? A little pink silicone clitoral vibrator with the face of a ducky as “added clit stimulation”.
I will give you one guess as to just how severe the cringe attack I’m having right now is.
Long story short, the pink ducky monstrosity (meh-buzzy, three speeds, watch battery, single button on the bottom to scroll through the speeds, very good chance that you would accidentally turn it off mid-wank) did diddly squat, I went to the doctor and found out that my medication was the reason for the loss of sensitivity in my clit and after a medication switch, I upgraded to a bigger, non-ducky-like vibrator which served me well for quite some time.
That toy has long since been discarded, probably tossed in the garbage in a moment of “nah, fuck that bullshit”. But the box (and the other things that were in there) remain, sitting in my mother’s basement, having waited for the day where I would chance upon it and the memory would dust itself off and say hi.
So, now I’m curious (well, I’m always curious but now I’m specifically curious), dear reader. I want to hear about your first sex toy. Good memories? Cringe attack-worthy? What was the toy like? Tell me in the comments and sate my curiosity.