Little Stitches – for BOAW16

Written for August McLaughlin‘s Beauty of a Woman BlogFest 2016 – check out the other entries by clicking the button at the end of the post.

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It sounds strange, but lately I’ve found myself wishing that I can write my libido back to life. That I can use my skills as an erotica writer, my imagination and my fingers clacking on the keys of my netbook keyboard to write it back into place properly. To reach into my brain and body and jiggle the chemicals around just enough through the power of rewriting it like an edit to a story. Would that it were so simple. Would that libido wasn’t an incredibly complex mess of science, chemicals and circumstances.

Sometimes it feels jarring to me how the lines of my comfort zone have shifted, moulded anew through the lens of depression and fatigue. I try. Oh god. I try to think myself into the mindset for sex, which feels unreal and still goes wrong in the end because my brain has become really brilliant at backtracking, especially from PIV-sex.

I’m trying my best to figure out why that is. And in the meanwhile, I take little steps. Little steps like a few nights ago, when we lay naked on the bed and joked as he lubed me up and played with me, first with his fingers, then with the Doxy. It didn’t lead to much more than an orgasm of sorts, but it was good. I’m also trying to masturbate more, just to remind myself that masturbation is a thing I enjoy and it helps me relax.

I look to the amazing Crista Anne and her post from last year’s BOAW, and this quote basically echoes my own experiences.

When I am in dark places due to my mental illness, I can orgasm as a way to remind myself that there are pleasurable feeling to be had. Not a cure for my depression, not a fix, but a tool that I’ve used as long as I can remember to keep myself going. My ability to find pleasure in the darkness saved me more times than I can count.

Little steps.

Little steps of reconnection.

Recently, I’ve found that my low libido, oddly enough, has also had a negative effect on my ability to write erotica. So now I also find myself wishing I could use my skill as a writer to write my… writing… back into place. To reach into my brain and body and jiggle those self-same chemicals around just enough that the words start flowing more naturally, to stop making them feel like an old car in desperate need of a fix.

If that makes any sense. I wouldn’t blame you if you couldn’t make sense of it, because I sure as shit can’t.

But I can make sense of this: two parts of my life, two very important ones, are ripped at the seams. Not unfixable, but it’s going to take time. These two parts are connected, somehow; parts of the quilt that is my life. And when you’ve got a rip in the fabric of a quilt, you get out your needle and thread/sewing machine and you try your best to join the pieces back together.

The pieces haven’t been lost, though. Libido is there. Erotica writer is there. Neither of these pieces of the quilt will unravel and be lost just because I’m not using these pieces enough. It just takes time. Little steps. Little stitches.

Waterolor beautiful girl. Vector illustration of woman

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10 Comments

  1. I suffer from occasional depression and I can imagine that someone experiencing this horrible condition much worse than I do, is not having a vivid libido while being in, as you say, “dark places”. Neither have I. Ever. I do think you’re doing it right… little steps. I’m sure you will get there!

    1. Hi Aurora Jean! Thank you for commenting – and for understanding. I’m sure I will too. It’s just a process. xoxo

  2. This year’s BOAW has had such brave shares, and yours is no exception. I can only imagine how frustrating it must be for you as an erotica writer to feel disconnected in any way from your sexuality, even just a little bit. It’s such a huge part of the art.

    But I love your spirit–your willingness to fight for yourself and find little reminders that pleasure and joy can be found….

    Best wishes on your stitch by stitch journey back to yourself.

    1. Thank you, Kitt. I like to think that I don’t need to get into a certain “erotica mindset” to write what I do, but to be feeling disconnected from sexuality as a whole is such a fucking pain in the proverbial.

      xoxo

  3. Love this so much. I find libido to be squarely within my grasp some times and then quite elusive at other times. This can ebb and flow over hours or days or months or years. Much compassion for where you are at right now. It is beautiful and human and fertile ground for the next big harvest. xoxo

  4. Thanks so much for sharing your voice and heart with the fest! I love the honesty and vulnerability you allowed in this post.

    I really believe our sexuality, including our libido, is tightly linked to so many areas of our lives and selves – if not all of them – creativity, especially. Huge kudos for practicing patience with yourself as you move along. <3

    1. Thank you for the fest and all the beautiful things that came with it. It helped me put down exactly what was on my mind and I can see it with such clarity now. x

  5. Jillian, I read this post with my breath held. It’s so beautifully honest. I am a slow reader so it has taken me a while to get to all the posts from the BOAW hop. I’m sad I didn’t get here sooner. Wonderful, deep. I truly hope your libido returns in full flow very soon.
    I call my periods of the darkness ‘fending off the daggers’ – I’m slowly becoming more open and sharing bits of my other self through my fiction – but only because I meet women like you who do it so eloquently and make me feel braver.
    Libido is such a fickle thing, like trying to catch a minnow between your fingers in a fast flowing river at times.
    Looking forward to seeing you at Eroticon x x

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