late for Lady Porn Day

So, as most of you know, last week was the first Lady Porn Day. Since everyone but the rabbit has made a contribution to this, and to make up for the fact that I didn’t, here it is now.

My first time watching erotica… crikey, that was a long time ago. What do I mean by erotica? Think of the Emanuelle films. Late at night, in my room, I would watch these movies. And get a tingly feeling in the pit of my stomach. Now, I did know what masturbation was. I just didn’t fancy doing it. Now, porn. A few months ago, I was dallying around on my computer and decided to do it. Red Tube. You Porn. The works. My computer was in the dining room, next to the living room and let me tell you, watching porn for the first time with your mum in the next room… yeah, not funny.

I turned the computer on silent and watched. And I don’t really know why, but I was transfixed. In a bad way. I mean, the names of the videos alone scared the shit out of me. But something was tingling inside of me. And it wasn’t long before I took my computer upstairs, put on one of those videos and played with myself.

So, what do I like? What turns me on?

I like sites like Beautiful Agony. It’s so much more erotic than regular porn. I like watching a woman or a man I don’t know in the throes of pure ecstasy. I don’t know what it is that turns me on about it. I like certain sex scenes in movies as well. These sex scenes mostly involve this:

A bit of this:

And mostly, they end with this

Do you notice a pattern here? Yep, it’s the same guy. And he’s my porn. Jason Statham is my fetisj and my porn and everything that keeps me together at the moment.

By the way, if you haven’t see the movie Crank, and you are wondering why he is actually punching the air with joy…. he’s happy to be alive. And by the looks of it, so is Amy Smart… she seems awfully surprised as well. Maybe my theory is right and he is well hung…

Forget I said that. Really, forget I said that. Erase that from your mind. After you have the naughty thoughts.

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posting madness

I don’t know where I’m going anymore. Five posts yesterday. All about nothing in particular. Am I making mistakes? Is this not a good sexblog? I don’t know. I’ve only been going for like a week, so…

So, I’m taking suggestions. Do you think my blog needs anything? Tell me what and I’ll make it work. And maybe, in time, when the big operation is finished and I have lost some weight, I could give you a wee glimpse of me.

Speaking about the big operation, I went to see the surgeon today. After two missed appointments. I’m terribly scared. I have six diffrent pre-operative screenings I need to go to. I need some support from friends. But friends are very scarce with me. I didn’t keep in touch with the people from my boarding school. Only my friends B and A. And I feel lonely sometimes. Shit, I feel so lonely.

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That G Thing

My fellow G-spot scouts! I have found an article that might be to your interest. Click here and discover for yourself. Who knows, maybe it can be of some help for you.

As most of you know, I have looked for the Right Spot for a few months now. So far, I think I might have found it. But I keep forgetting where it is. And what it feels like. I am a G-spot NOOB. A few days ago, I had a long masturbation session, that ended with me, maybe, sorta (let’s not call it squirting) gushing some fluid, right before an orgasm. I wondered: “is this is?” Was this the moment I had waited for? Sadly, I don’t think so.

So, what are your experiences with this “magical” spot? Are you also fed up with not finding it? Or is it not all that it is cracked up to be? I’d love to hear from you.

And thank you to everyone who has read my blog so far. I hope you enjoyed it and want to come back. Big kiss and smooch and maybe a little how’s-yer-father behind the pews for you all!

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War at the cinema

So, yesterday, I went to see The King’s Speech with my friend A. Lovely movie. The rest of the audience? Not so lovely. People giggling at inappropriate moments (yeah, telling someone that your nanny didn’t feed you, dead funny, isn’t it?), cellphones going off left, right and center. I was irritated. And then, to top the experience (cos that’s what it was, a cinematic experience), after the movie, a man called me out and said “thanks for the soundboard”. That’s right, he called me out.

For eating too loudly.

First of all, why single me out? Why not yell at the noisy couple on the eleventh row, or mr Cellphone behind us, or the giggle twins? Why me? Second of all, I know it’s annoying, but I can’t eat more quietly! I can not chew on my chips on mute! And hello, politeness, where have you gone? I wanted to pour out the remainder of my bag on his big bald head and say: I’d love to hear you chew on your chips! What was I to do, suck my chips?

Suck it. Really suck it. It’s done now and it’s behind me.

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My Deepest Fantasy

My god, that’s a tough one. Everybody has to have one, I guess. Mine switch every day. The rough fuck at the club scene from my book is a contender. Another one is sex in the shower. Sex in public, up against a big tree in the park near my house, would be good. But the one that really stands out is this one.

I’m in the subway (or tube, or metro, or whatever you want to call it). My train is steadily making progress towards my stop. It stops again. Just like every time, people get on the train. But this time is different. HE gets on the (very crowded) train. Stands next to me. I can see his eyes, smell his scent, touch his black leather jacket. Sensory overload. He catches my eye, smiles. Grins even. I haven’t even talked to him but I want him bad. He turns me on like mad. I grin back. We engage in a bit of flirting. It’s harmless, it’s fun. And it’s damn hot.

Suddenly he touches me. Lightly brushes my arm. I shiver. It’s electric, almost terrifying. He still doesn’t speak a word. The train shakes, and I stumble, right into his arms. We laugh. There is a definite spark as we look into each other’s eyes.

It’s my stop now. I give him little smile as I get off the train. I walk through the station, to the exit. Where he catches me.

And he kisses me. It’s a hard, urgent and very passionate kiss, which makes me tingle all over. He stops long enough for a single sentence to escape my lips.

“Come with me.”

He follows me home, his hand in mine. Neither of us says anything. We just stop and look at each other. Each time I look at him I get more nervous. Butterflies in the pit of my stomach. A tingling sensation between my thighs. Fuck, what’s going to happen?

When we arrive at my house, I nervously jam the keys into the lock. I fumble and he lets out a little laugh. “Are you nervous?” he asks.

“Yes. Very.” I say, shakily.

“Please don’t be.” he replies. “It’s going to be alright. You won’t regret it. At least, I hope so.” he replies, surprisingly shy.

I manage to open the lock and enter the hallway. He comes in behind me and closes the door. And then he kisses me again, even harder. I kiss him back and waste no chance in feeling him up, as I always wanted to do with a guy, but never quite got the chance to. I can feel his body against mine. I’m going mad. I want him naked and inside me…..

And I’ll leave the rest up to your imagination… What? Tease? Me?

MasterChef is on again. Jonathan (one of the contestants) is facing up against Justin North (famous chef person). They are making a dish with crackling pig or something like that. Making my mouth water once again. Jonathan did make a wee mistake, in salting his pig too much. I don’t think he will win. But oh my god, does that look delicious. And I don’t really like crackling.

As I said, Jonathan lost out to Justin North. Must have been the saltiness.

More cooking now. I say, I’m feeling very hungry. I must restrain myself from going downstairs and devouring one of those moelleuxs I bought today. Or else I think I’m swallowing my tongue.

Have a picture.

This was taken in Londen three years ago. This is a statue on Leicester Square. It says: there is no darkness but ignorance. Which I think is pretty much on the nose.

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bit o’ pimping

I fancy doing a bit of pimping for a site that I just love. It’s called For those of you who love Beautiful Agony, this site goes a tad further. The films are jaw-droppingly beautiful and are guaranteed to stir something inside you.

You can join the site via the link in my sidebar. Definitely check it out.

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My first item on the wish list would be pasta, thanks to MasterChef UK. Holy mother of Brompton, those are too much pasta dishes for my own wellbeing. This is the first time ever that I can rightly say that MC UK is boring me. Sad, but true. I just miss Georgie and Gaz and Matt Preston and his Shiny Pants of Yay. I’m switching off. Trinny and Susannah it is then.

I would love to treat myself to a new toy for my adult toy collection. Which, so far, consists of a small clit vibe in the shape of a chicken, which I can’t find, a slim white vibe, which looks like a bowling pin when you turn it upside down and my hot pink, bendy one. And some lube. Let’s not forget the lube. I feel like it needs to be a little more. Maybe something to cure my G spot woes. This one looks nice . I’ve seen these at Pabo in Brussels. It is fascinating how they appear to be bigger in the picture.

I think I might be coming down with something. A big case of insomnia might be it. I’ve been staying up till as late as two thirty am, watching repeats of Ghost Whisperer, MasterChef Australia and Poker after Dark. My eyes hurt and I feel like shit. Plus, Ghost Whisperer is giving me the creeps. Making me think there are actual ghosts in my room. I keep forgetting what I want to write by the way.

I need to stop for now. Might read in Julie and Julia. While the ghosts in my room and the ghosts in my mind float around freely….

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My List of Five

Ok, I’ve seen this on Friends, the intertubes, everywhere. And I’m going to share my list with you. Five famous people I can cheat on my partner with.

1 Jason Statham

Because I just fucking love him. My little fetish. That body. Those eyes. That devil may care attitude. THAT ACCENT!!!!!

2 Alexander Skarsgard

Pretty, pretty vampire boy. I’m speechless just looking at this picture.

3 Armstrong and Miller

Two for the price of one! Two of my favorite British comedians. I wouldn’t kick them out of my bed. Especially not in those RAF uniforms… Though Alexander has creepy eyes in this pic (the one in the back)

4 Stephen Moyer

Bite me, babe. I heard him say “Sookie’s mine” in that accent and I nearly came.

5 Ewan McGregor

Yesterday, today, tomorrow.  I’ve had a crush on him since I can remember. He’s the classic man on my list. Sucker for the accent, sucker for his motorbike.

So, feel free to share your choice with me.

Little note. It is three past two in the morning. Some fucker is playing music outside. I hate whoever he is…

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Being Single

I’m very much single at the moment. In fact, I have been for about, oh, I don’t know, twenty of the twenty years I’ve been alive. And I don’t like it one bit. I’ve tried the dating site thing. And that was a fucking mistake. It broke me in half. Particularly because nobody visits my profile. And yes, I’m being totally honest on my profile. Down to the fact that I am overweight and I’m having a gastric bypass soon.

And that’s what I think is scaring them off. And I think that. Is. Absolute Crap. With two capital letters. As if I don’t feel bad enough about my body, complete strangers come and piss on my parade. Either that or they’re like 59 years old. Which, kinda creepy.

Also, lets keep in mind that I haven’t even had a boyfriend. Ever. I don’t even know what I want anymore. Do I want to have a casual, flirty, fling thing?  Do I skip everything I missed in my teens and dive straight into a relationship? I dunno. I fancy a bit of flirting, but nobody ever flirts back, probably because the stomach puts them off. I do like to flirt once in a while. Especially when I’m in London. The handsome cashier at HMV is just too good to resist. A big smile and some banter and I’m melting behind the counter. Or is that just because I crave attention from hot men?

Speaking of hot men, there aren’t any over here in my neck of the woods. I actually have to go to the city to find men. And that is just sad.

I’m frustrated, can you tell?

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