Being Single

I’m very much single at the moment. In fact, I have been for about, oh, I don’t know, twenty of the twenty years I’ve been alive. And I don’t like it one bit. I’ve tried the dating site thing. And that was a fucking mistake. It broke me in half. Particularly because nobody visits my profile. And yes, I’m being totally honest on my profile. Down to the fact that I am overweight and I’m having a gastric bypass soon.

And that’s what I think is scaring them off. And I think that. Is. Absolute Crap. With two capital letters. As if I don’t feel bad enough about my body, complete strangers come and piss on my parade. Either that or they’re like 59 years old. Which, kinda creepy.

Also, lets keep in mind that I haven’t even had a boyfriend. Ever. I don’t even know what I want anymore. Do I want to have a casual, flirty, fling thing?¬† Do I skip everything I missed in my teens and dive straight into a relationship? I dunno. I fancy a bit of flirting, but nobody ever flirts back, probably because the stomach puts them off. I do like to flirt once in a while. Especially when I’m in London. The handsome cashier at HMV is just too good to resist. A big smile and some banter and I’m melting behind the counter. Or is that just because I crave attention from hot men?

Speaking of hot men, there aren’t any over here in my neck of the woods. I actually have to go to the city to find men. And that is just sad.

I’m frustrated, can you tell?

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Look at that, two posts for the price of one! I have decided to entertain you with a little excerpt (re-worked from my motherlanguage of Dutch) from the novel I’m working on. It’s, as you might have guessed, quite hot.

This takes place near the end of the book. It’s a dream the main character, Elin, has about her best friend Jase. If this sounds awful, that just means it got a little lost in translation. And if the mechanics of the sex are quite off, feel free to tell me, so I can edit this and not look like a fool when the book does eventually come out.


I’m outside Chirocco, lonely, waiting for a cab to come my way. I can’t remember coming here with someone. I see taxi after taxi drive by, all of them occupied. A curse escapes me every time. Suddenly, I feel him standing next to me. His hot breath in my neck. His body tantalisingly close to mine. He turns me around and pulls me back inside.

“What are you up to?” I say, softly.

“You’ll see.” he replies, his voice dark and raw. We walk across the dancefloor, to the storage room at the back. He pulls me inside and locks the door.

“Seriously, mate, what are you up to?” I sai, with a hint of fear in my voice. What the hell is going on?

“You’ll see. Just relax.”

And then he kisses me, hard and fast. Enough to temporarily knock me for six. But then he stops. He’s grinning like a little demon.

“Ah, I see.” I say. I kiss him back, as hard and as passionate as he did. He unzips my dress and bears my breasts. He stops to admire them for a second and kisses them softly. Then, he licks my nipples, first the left one, then the right one. And he kisses me again. I decide to take action and rip his shirt open. Oh my word, his body is amazing! What a man…

“Unbutton your kecks.” I command him. He obliges and drops them to his anckles. Fuckin’ aye, even his cock is gorgeous! He pulls my dress up and my panties down.

‘Is this real? Are we really going to do this?” I say.

“Believe it, babe.” he grins.

“Really? Up against the wall? How dirty!”

“Well, we could do it down on the floor, but I don’t think you really feel like shagging in a puddle of water.”

“Wait, are we really almost naked and negotiating on where we’re going to do this?”

He laughs. “Apparently we are.” he says, before kissing me again. I spread my legs and pull him closer.

“Come and get me, tiger.” I say, grinning cheekily. He obliges again and pushes till he enters me and oh my word, it feels so good.

It’s hot. It’s raw. I cry out as he thrusts deeper into me. His grunts are animalistic. Fuck, I’m not going to last much longer. And I have a feeling that he isn’t going to last either. Electric shocks in my body. I can feel my blood rushing through my veins. I’m aware of him, who he is. It’s Jase who’s fucking me, bare arsed and all. It’s Jase looking at me with lust in his eyes. He wants me. He really wants me. And I want him too. The shocks are coming fast and hard. And then, without warning, I scream out…

And open my eyes. I was dreaming. But what a lovely dream…


I genuinely hope that this is good. It’s a little diffrent from the one that I actually wrote. And yes, it is based on a little fantasy of mine. Hope you liked it.

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G-Spot Misery

I think I may have hit something…

In my unrelenting quest for the G Spot, I may have hit … well, I don’t know what, but it’s something. With my vibe. About ten times. And now my stomach hurts like a motherbitch. I smell a hospital visit. Oh, wait, thinking about it, I have to go see the surgeon about my op tomorrow. Some pre operative stuff.

I’m serious, I think I might vomit now.

So, about that G Spot stuff. I’ve been obsessed with finding it since round New Year. I think I may have found something, because I do squirt. But I don’t orgasm. I don’t feel anything. And it gets very, very messy. If I sound like a total newbie, sex wise, it’s because I am. I only started masturbating about two years ago. I’m still discovering myself. And I’m beginning to think that the G Spot may be too advanced sex 101 for me. I don’t know, I’m such an idiot.

One thing that soothes the pain a bit is MasterChef¬†Australia, currently playing on my telly. The dessert they made looks (like George said) sexy. Matt Preston’s pants are so brightly colored… The challenge for tomorrow is catering a children’s birthday party and the cupcakes they made look stunning. I have a thing for brightly colored desserts. Which I don’t find weird at all. My favorites are Macarons de Paris. Which, voila…

I’m frothing now. Have you ever seen a croquembouche? Now imagine one made from macarons de Paris. That is proper orgasm food. What is orgasm food, you ask? Well, simply, orgasm food is food that gives you a tiny tiny orgasm just thinking about it. Something that makes you seriously froth. I’d love to know what you consider orgasm food.

Signing off for the night, going to watch the poker game on the television.

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Me, Barenaked

Hello, lovely reader. Let me introduce myself. My name is Dalide. I recently turned 20. I made this blog, because I wanted a place to recount and share my sexual dreams and fantasies. Sex is something that is quite new to me, so I’m still discovering everything.

Facts about me:

  • I’m a virgin
  • I don’t really like being a virgin
  • Though I have been inside one before, sex shops still scare the shit out of me
  • I am about to undergo life changing surgery (gastric bypass)
  • I can’t find my g-spot, though I have read many instructions to do so…
  • I am incredibly in lust with Jason Statham (who should be in my bed every night, kthx)

So, of course, I can’t blog now without mentioning the utter failure that was Valentine’s Day… My 20th single Valentine’s. As if that wasn’t enough, I spent most of last night in the bathroom, due to a bladder infection, that has mysteriously cleared up now. Might flare up again tonight, though I’m not exactly gagging for it…

I recently went to a sex shop in Brussels (I’m from Belgium). Man, that was like a whole other world in there. There are like three or four sex shops next to each other in that street and this seemed the least intimidating one. Plus, it’s quite a well known branch here in Belgium and in Holland.

I went in. With my mum. Big mistake. Not only did I feel ridiculously uncomfortable, I was mortified when she quizzed the clerk on which vibrator gives the most pleasure… I just stood there, shuffling my feet and looking at the shady fella in his raincoat by the dvd’s. In the end, it was an eye opener. I’m going back there soon. That pink Cat O’ Nine Tails whip looked so pretty…

My eventual bounty from the trip? A very flexible, dark pink vibe and some lube. I didn’t want to pay alot for the Super lube, so I just got the regular one, which I fear was a mistake. Should you save pennies on lube?

The porn did scare me blind, by the way. Maybe I shoud mellow out and try buying a dvd. I did get a lovely free dvd with a magazine. It had 50 positions from the Kama Sutra. They all look dead hard to me. It did turn me on, and it wasn’t long before I got my vibe out….

More self love stories when I return. I need to get some sleep, since the infection incident kept me up from… oh about three thirty last night till seven this morning…

I hope you enjoy this blog and come back for more…

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