Lube

5 brilliant lubes for you to try – #tweetyourlube

If you’ve been on Twitter in the last 24 hours or so, you will perhaps have heard the distant sound of a shit-tonne of sex writers facepalming in unison. The cause? UFC Women’s Bantam Weight champion and actress Ronda Rousey, who when answering some readers’ questions for Maxim told a 36-year-old reader this:

What should a guy always do (in bed)? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, then you’re being lazy…and you’re not taking your time.

The bit in Italics? Emphasis not mine, by the way – this is what Ronda chose to emphasise herself, fundamentally misunderstanding the various ways bodies work, how lube can enhance and aide your experience of sex and, in the process, adding a little dollop of lube-shaming on top.

What kind of message are you wanting to send out here, Ronda? That a guy should measure his worth in bed by means of whether or not he has to use lube? That a girl should feel unworthy because even if “she takes a minute”, she still needs lube? Or is it just the message that you really shouldn’t be giving sex advice? Because I don’t know what kind of science you’re basing this on, but I can tell you that it’s wrong as hell.

The ever eloquent and fabulous Rachel Kramer Bussel wrote a brilliant rebuttal of Rousey’s comment for Salon, which I highly suggest reading for comments from sex educators and some of my great blogging peers. And Emily Nagoski, Ph.d (buy her book, Come As You Are – it will blow your absolute socks off) has started #tweetyourlube, inviting you to tweet pictures of your favourite lube/your lube loves using the hashtag.

Me? I can evangelise about lube until your ears fall off. I am 24 and I use it as an additional source of wetness when my partner and I engage in PIV sex, and I use it during any form of anal play, even there’s little to no penetration involved. I am not using it because my partner can’t get me wet, and he is not using it on me for the sake of laziness.

Lube is not the enemy. In fact, I’d venture to say that whatever your gender or sexual orientation, lube is probably your friend. Yes, take your time…but take your time and don’t be afraid of using lube to aid you along.

– Rachel Kramer Bussel, for Salon, November 2015

So, I would love to grab this opportunity to do exactly that – evangelise about lube and give you some awesome recommendations.

Liquid Silk

Ah, lube of my life, light of my loins. If you’ve been reading this blog for a while, you will know that I absolutely adore Liquid Silk. I am personally a fan of the little 50 ml. bottles (compact, will last you for yonks), but there are 250 ml. bottles with dispensing pump available as well. It doesn’t feel sticky, it’s a lovely consistency and, if you’re experiencing vaginal dryness due to breastfeeding or menopause, Liquid Silk acts as a moisturiser in addition to a lubricant.

Sliquid

Organic, not tested on animals, a tonne of great variants and a texture that has been praised by many a sex blogger. Sliquid has a range which can make anyone see stars – and they make pretty lovely massage oil to boot. If you’re sensitive to certain ingredients in other lubes, Sliquid can be a perfect alternative.

Yes Organic Lube

Another organic lube, which I discovered when they sponsored Eroticon a few years back. Hypoallergenic & soil association certified organic, this is a soft and silky lube that replenishes natural moisture, protects mucus membranes, and if necessary, supports healing. It’s not got any scent or taste to it, so you are free to bask in just how good it feels.

Sh! Lube Liquid

As well as being an East London treasure trove of sex positivity, Sh! also has their own line of lubricants. I’m partial to the water-based Lush Liquid (suitable for use with condoms), but they have a good range which can suit most people’s need – and they do anal lube as well.

System JO H20

System JO has both this water-based lube and their Premium Silicone one – I am, as you may have gathered, very partial to water-based lubricants, but both of them are really good quality.

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Sex and Depression

Sex and Depression: An update

A couple of weeks ago, I managed to get a double appointment with the new GP at our surgery. This double appointment came at the recommendation of the GP herself, considering that the first time she saw me I was babbling everything out at once and tearing up something awful. Obviously, I needed a bit more time to explain what I was feeling and, ever so kindly, she made the time.

I’m back on SSRIs, because as I was talking to the GP it became crystal clear to me that I had, essentially, sacrificed my mental health for the sake of an orgasm instead of finding a way to let the two co-exist. And I can’t have just one or the other. I don’t want to have glorious, toe-curling and mindboggling orgasms but then spend the rest of my day drifting into terrifying dark places in my head. In the couple of months in which I wasn’t on SSRIs, I had the most vivid, concentrated and, quite frankly, shocking anxiety attacks of my life. They were tiring as hell, both for myself and ILB.

So, I admitted to the GP that I wanted to be back on SSRIs, but was afraid it might impact my libido again. It’s always going to be a risk, but it was one I was willing to take and work my way around. So, she prescribed me something called sertraline and so far it’s working for me. I’ve had a couple of weird moments – even suicidal ones – but those will pass and I now know that I have a GP who I can talk to and who will take her time to listen to me and my worries.

And I have a loving and understanding boyfriend who means the world to me. And if anything, I am confident that we can work our way around the sex thing. If I’m honest, so far it’s not been on my mind. Sex has been like a foggy kind of thought, overtaken by other things like anthology editing, writing and the day job. I want to make sure it doesn’t stay foggy, but I’m not entirely sure how to do that. It’s like I’m feeling extra self-concious at the moment, not knowing whether I want to give in to loving touches and deep kisses or just crawl under a blanket and hide from the world.

But I’m sure I’ll find a way. I always tend to do.

PS – We did end up having sex on Valentine’s Day – but that brought a whole different set of problems… of the ribbed and dotted kind.

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Sex

Blowing All Year Round

I am a huge fan of fellatio. It ties in with my natural love of cock. I adore the feeling of taking my boyfriend’s erection in my hand, stroking it, letting my tongue swirl around his length…

Or if he’s not yet hard, planting little kisses on him, relishing in the feeling of him growing harder because of my lips. Getting him to the high point of arousal and then having him fuck me silly is quite possibly my favourite way to spend an evening (my second favourite way being stuck under the duvet with a bag of crisps, watching Hannibal).

So, yeah, big fan of sucking cock.

Not so keen on the concept of Steak and Blowjob Day.

Apparently invented to counteract the “female aspect” of Valentine’s Day, on this most hallowed day you give your partner a blowjob and a nice medium rare porterhouse (possibly as a refuel after all the sucking) as an act of love and a thank you for the gifts you got on V-Day. I’ve got a bit of a problem with that.

For one thing, my boyfriend’s a vegetarian.

Half of me rather loves the idea of Valentine’s Day, as an excuse for going on an adventure with your partner and showing them how much you love them. I like flowers, I like being taken out to dinner, and I like exchanging silly and in-jokey presents as much as I like being pinned against a wall and kissed until I can’t speak full sentences any more.

And the other half of me thinks it’s ridiculous because of two reasons –

One – Why would you need a specially assigned day to show your partner how much you love them?

Two – As said by the ever eloquent CJ. Forrest:

Valentines Day is (to my mind) pretty reciprocal anyway, and even if it isn’t, what on earth makes you think that making a restaurant reservation and picking a card/ordering something from Interflora is such a terrible burden that it needs special recompense? How jaded and cynical must your relationship be if you’ll only do these things in tit-for-tat fashion?

…

Which is why ‘Steak and a Blowjob’ day really pisses me off. It perpetuates the idea that these things are somehow undesirable, that the only circumstances in which someone will do them is because they’re being shamed/forced into it.

I think that’s kind of, sort of right on the nose. It is entirely CJ’s opinion of course, but there is a great big heap of truth served in these quotes.

First of all, Valentine’s Day is not “a girl’s special day”. In its essence, it’s a day where both partners show their love to each other. Not something that one partner begrudgingly does for the other on one day, with the other begrudgingly reciprocating on the other.

Second – blowjobs are not icky. Blowjobs are as amazing as cunnilingus. Even more amazing when you’re 69′ing and getting it as well as giving it (but that’s a story for another time, I think).

Similarly, love is not icky. Love is (and excuse me if you think this sounds a bit mushy) really fucking amazing. Love is not one special day out of the year where you extra mega hard love someone and then not really, but 365 days a year where you… well, love someone with all your heart.

Love, silly and in-jokey gifts and adventures with your partner are things to rejoice in all year long.

And so are blowjobs, and cunnilingus, and any form of oral sex because oral sex is pretty fucking amazing.

(Maybe not steak all year long though – bit expensive…)

Written for Marie Rebelle’s Fellatio Project, which I hope to contribute to a few more times.

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